"Ignorance of Scripture is ignorance of Christ." - Jerome

Saturday, October 20, 2007

You might be a Calvinist if..

Just for fun, I've collected some lines similar to the "You might be a Redneck if" but about: "You might be a Calvinist if":


...you changed your testimony from "I have decided to follow Jesus" to "I never wanted to follow Jesus until"

...in the grocery store, you nonchalantly refer to "Lucky Charms" as "providential trinkets."

... You celebrate Reformation Day instead of Halloween.

...you can quote the Westminster Shorter or the Heidelberg at will (and know what each of those are).
...Your teacher tells you that the early reformers were the "biggest close-minded bigots in the history of religion," and you must stifle the urge to yell, "Yeah, those guys were awesome!"

...Your church would never dare take a "free will" offering

...you find yourself peppering everyday conversation with extensive references to church history only to be greeted with quizzical looks from your friends and crickets chirping in the background..
... in eleventh grade, when you read The Scarlet Letter, everyone thought you were crazy for defending the Puritans in the story

... your favorite flower is the TULIP

...you have ever answered the question "How are you doing today" with "better than I deserve."
...You don't like to be asked "When did you choose to start walking with the Lord?" but rather be asked "When did God drag from the clutches of death?"

...you get and laugh at the comic cover at the bottom...
...You can sing "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus", but only with major qualifications, so that it's more like "I have decided to follow Jesus (because the Spirit has changed and shaped my will so that I actually want to do so/because God has ordained that I do so)", and that just makes it awkward to the point that it's not worth singing.


And for my Presbyterian friends: You might be a Presbyterian if:

...Church Growth Strategy is Infant Baptism...

".. you hear more than 3 verses read in service during Lord's Day worship

... If a song repeats the same line more than 2 or 3 times you begin to tune out.

...You believe buying books should be the third sacrament.

...When anyone makes a suggestion, your first impulse is to form a committee

...You refer to the Episcopal "Church of the Incarnation" as "Church of the Incantation"

...you have ever had a fight over whether your Baptist friend can claim to be "Reformed"

...Instead of "foolish Pollock" jokes, you tell the same jokes about Methodists.
... your "elders" are like 35 ...
... you're sick of explaining "No, we're not THOSE Presbyterians,"...
...you feel awkward in ecumenical settings when people raise their hands during the singing
...when people ask you who writes the best worship music, you are more likely to reply with the names of Watts, Newton or Cowper than Redman, Tomlin or Stewart

3 comments:

Aaron said...

Hilarious! I always suggest we celebrate Reformation day but it always falls on deaf ears.

jjohnson said...

I'm going to try that "irresistable" line on Beth tonight. I'll tell you how it goes.

GUNNY said...

Hey, our church (Reformed & SBC) celebrates Reformation Day and the Presbys DO give me the business about using the label "Reformed."

Singing "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus" is awkward at best.

I may be guilty as charged, but I'm doing better than I deserve.